


DONT LEAVE ME

by FxckTrick



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Agressive Blurry, Alone, Asylum, BlurryFace name explained, Blurryface, Brendon steals Josh's clothes, Control, Debby Ryan - Freeform, Eating Disorder, Family meeting, First Kiss, Implied OCD, Josh is Tyler's world, Josh's Dry spell, Lanky Ryan, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Pills, Sharing a Bed, Staggered Speech, Suicide, Trees, Triggers, TylersPOV, agressive tyler, brendon and Ryan, caring Josh, change of person, force, forest, helpless tyler, idk - Freeform, josh is gay, josh keeps Tyler sane, joshler - Freeform, kind Ryan, kitchen sink - Freeform, lonely, lonely tyler, loving Josh, lyrics, optimistic Tyler, recovering Tyler, sassy Brendon, scared tyler, selfharm, suicidal, tyler fights blurry, vulnerable Tyler
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-07-14 07:32:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7160183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FxckTrick/pseuds/FxckTrick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one understood why Tyler's mother continued to sign him up for summer help groups. They never worked they just made Tyler worse, but his mother never expected it to go this far. The only thing Tyler had left was Blurry and he was deteriorating everyday until, the red haired punk boy walked into his room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> I shamelessly included twenty one pilots lyrics and I'm not sorry

A retreat is what mum called it, a chance to "clear your mind" according to her as if that made this place any better. Sitting in a room full off blank faced people all here for different reasons did the exact opposite of "clearing my mind" . Most days I chose not to say anything just simply stare out of the window opposite me and stare at the vast forest in front of me, not that my silence made any difference everyone here was here for there own reasons not to hear some random kid talk about his problems. Unlike most people I'd been signed up for the whole summer which meant when everyone left I stayed and waited for the new people to arrive and avoid me just as the people before them had. They put a piano in my room, not in anyone else's just mine so late at night when the world was meant to be deep in slumber I could sit at the piano by the window and play until the sun came up. I assume it was my mother that told them about that, it is only my mother who knows how I am with my hands and that I rarely manage to sleep so only she would know to tell them. As I sit in the silent room, in the same seat I always sat in I wait for the new arrivals to enter and be given the same speech I've heard three times from three separate people. They don't like it when I move my hands here they tell me tell me I mustn't do it, that it could affect other people who are trying to focus so instead I sit here tapping my foot it's not the same, it's not even close but it's all they allow. I watch as the new people walk in, most ignore me, choosing to sit on the front row and engage with the councillors. I envy them in a way because these programs work for people like them people that can communicate and engage, they go home to their parents and they're "cured". Every time I seem to go home I get the same disappointed look for my father and a concerned look from my mother, it's almost a tradition in its own way. As I watch them walk in I spot one, one of the rare people who have the same look of sadness in their eyes as I do, one of the rare people I've met in here that have actually heard my voice when I have said nothing. Just as I did when I first arrived in this large room, she looks up sees the big group forming at the front and shoots down the aisle towards the very row I am sat on. She sits down pulls her hood over her head and taps her foot, eyes fixated on a spot on the floor, I can hear the cogs in her head turning, processing and analysing everything and everyone in the room including me. She looks at me from the corner of her eye, her pale skin is decorated with freckles her face is soft and kind, but the darkness that lingers around her is overwhelming and I'm sure she can sense my own. I don't say anything to her, but I smile softly and nod my head once and she reciprocates. She is now my only friend in here my own allie we don't even know each other's names, nor do we need to. Somethings going wrong, Blurry doesn't like it, too many people not an even number makes his eyes hurt makes my head swirl the girl she looks confused I try and smile so she knows it's all okay but I can't because Blurry won't SHUT uP. He keeps talking going on and on I can't think straight and they're asking questions it's going to come round to me and I'll have nothing to say, I'm doing it again my hands have gone back to twisting and turning they don't like being still, why won't they leave me alone I don't want to be here I don't want to be with people. The rooms getting smaller I need to leave Blurry is kicking and screaming he's leaving bruises I need to get up I need to get out, they're staring at me! I can't stop now need to get out. Fastest way? To run, run fast towards the trees escape blend in with them so I don't have to see people don't have to see anyone, Blurry is angry says to keep going my hands slowly calming down but my heads still banging. A tree the perfect tree time to climb, climb up high sit on that branch look out Breathe slowly let Blurry relax. "Tyler?" It's the girl she's followed me how does she know my name, they were screaming it you idiot of course they know your name¡ she's climbing now coming up to us it's not safe Blurry doesn't know her Blurry hasn't calmed down "they're looking for you Tyler" tell her that's not your name that Blurry is your name he's too strong, too controlling , won't stop I need to breathe. "I don't care" scare her away make sure she leaves don't want to hurt her she's my friend not Blurry's "leave now before he hurts you". She starts to climb back down she can see Blurry like I can my eyes are burning LEAVE ME ALONE.

They drag me down and they ask stupid questions always stupid questions, who's Blurry? Why do you call him Blurry Tyler? wHy because that's what he does he makes everything blurry he twists things makes the world look wrong I hate it. But he's mine in my head they talk about him like they know what it's like NO ONE KNOWS what it's like to constantly have someone changing the world you know because you never know who to trust, never know who he's twisted. I'm screaming and screaming they're multiplying that's what they always do when I scream the large ones appear, hold me down the soft faced women plead with me to stop so they don't have to inject me and force Blurry into silence. It's not me its Blurry it's Blurry please understand I can't stop this it's him he's speaking talking shouting won't leave me alone wants to hurt me wants to hurt them. The needle is sharp straight in the vein, force blurry into someone else's head for now torture someone else's sleep until the drugs trickle out of my system. They let go but don't leave the women alone with me, sit up now Tyler time for them to start asking questions again, they're smart they know I can't ask Blurry they know I won't lash out at them that it's Blurry that does that. I don't want to tell them about him they won't understand they'll just give me more drugs, the pills don't work they still make the world blurry and twisted all they do is create a silence. Silent is violent it lets the voices that Blurry drowns out get louder they're just as dangerous as Blurry I hate them they hurt they only bring pain. "Ruby has been asking for you, you've made quite an impression on that young girl" one of the older ones says trying to help me relax it's not working, not helping, ruby must be the girl who climbed who's like me I didn't want to make an impression. No one should like me they shouldn't look up to me they only see the outside what I hide not the side that screams and cries. Not words no words in reply just an affirmative noise, don't like to speak without Blurry he makes sure I don't slip up give away too much force me to stay longer than just summer. 

In a small room now still lots of people, staring but even number so sick feeling doesn't come back, eyes don't burn. Can only see women in here but there's men outside, will run in as soon as the women feel Blurry is back or that I'm a threat. I'm not a threat the voices are but to them we're all the same person, that's why these people would never help could never help they just,just don't understand couldn't understand wasn't their fault didn't see a person just saw an illness or an issue its wrong WRONG. Need to stay calm don't want to be locked in the white room hurts my eyes makes Blurry and the others agitated isn't good, means ringing home and telling mother that her son has deteriorated again. "Tyler this will work best if you talk to us" gentle but firm voice, trying to stand her ground made sense "ok" escapes my lips and they all write it down. Seems like they'd never heard that word before "why did you run today Tyler" different voice but same tone, they all looked like clones so it didn't really matter who asked they'd all write it down and judge me for it either way. "Odd number" the words make my stomach churn, rocking lightly now knees at my chest ringing in my ears, not the voices but the drugs always dos this, it's even harder to handle without Blurry there's nothing to focus on now it's just plain white and the women. "Tyler you need to tell us when something is causing you pain so we can sort the problem" staring at his hands as they talk still rocking but hands are the main focus, they almost seem entertained by it "not a puppet show" they all look away embarrassed, if the room wasn't turning I'd probably have laughed at them. "Talk to us about him" him that's what they call Blurry it's wrong don't like it neither does he "Not him Blurry" all scribble that down, one raises an eyebrow unimpressed parent I couldn't care less. "What kind of things does Blurry say to you" winding him up they're trying to make me explode talk about him like he's something they can just silence with pills, I hate them i hate it leave us alone. "Are they mean?" That's it final straw, Blurry is back he can hear her he isn't happy not rocking anymore standing shaking mumbling nurses are standing "let us help you" one says in the chaotic mess of voices, "LEAVE ME ALONE" screaming now the men are back in force us down still screaming shouting "LEAVE ME ALONE" but they won't they're wheeling me away, not to the same place. Don't recognise this corridor all the windows are gone halls are still white with bright lights shining down, no people here no one for me to scare better this way Blurry won't hurt anyone. The room they put me in this time is dark no lights only Windows only Windows and a bed, bed with straps make the screaming even louder scared terrified don't want to be in here. "LEAVE ME ALONE" voice bounces off the walls but I don't want it I don't want them to leave I don't know this room they're going to keep me locked away. LEAVE ME ALONE Leave Me Alone they're leaving backs turned away, leave me alone.... Doors shutting "DONT LEAVE ME"


	2. Josh Never Went Blurry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh held the the file in his hands, the name Tyler Joseph was written neatly across the file. The name intrigued him the most interesting part of his file was that Tyler had been put in maximum security. This was not what Josh had expected when he showed up to work this summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!TRIGGER WARNING!!
> 
> Mentions of suicide and depression and an implied eating disorder if you are triggered by any of those things please do not read!!!!

Josh was working on the wards this summer, he'd been given someone new today. His boss had warned him about the new guy but Josh wasn't sure if he believed it, Josh was never scared of patients they weren't animals they are just people. Josh clocks in and heads straight to his locker to put his leather jacket and watch away, the new patients file was in his locker already, when he opened it he saw that they'd put him in the maximum security room. Maximum security meant that Josh would have to stay with this patient all day, according to the file they had tied him down at first but now they'd let him out because they knew Josh would be able to handle anything. Closing his locker Josh heads upstairs and walks down the corridor towards the room at the very end, the further he went the more spaced out the doors became and Josh began to notice other people he worked with standing outside their doors trying to communicate with patients. 

Josh reaches room twenty one and reads the name " Tyler Joseph" written on the white board, according to the file Tyler suffers from schizophrenia and depression the words "suicide risk" are written in bold red letters across the top of the page. Josh knows he'll have to be cautious, according to Joe the guy that gave up working with him Tyler doesn't talk or eat he just sits by himself in the corner rocking back and forth. Josh unlocks the door to Tyler's room, most people Josh worked with would never removed the barrier between the patient and themselves but Josh wasn't afraid of Tyler he wanted to help him. Josh closes the door gently and steps properly into the room "Hi Tyler my name is Josh" he keeps his voice soft as he sits on the edge of the bed in Tyler's room, Tyler did turn he just made an affirmative noise then went back to slowly rocking.

The old guy must of left, Tyler didn't like him was glad he was gone. The new guy was in his room Tyler didn't like it when they came in,it normally meant he'd be tied down and forced to take more pills or given more injections. Tyler hadn't heard from Blurry in weeks, everything had been so silent without him, the others hurt him they would repeat the same thing over and over again never nice things always horrible things. They went quiet when the new guy spoke, he was different not like the others spoke to him like he was human, saw him as a person not as an illness. "Tyler do you know how long you've been in here?" Negative noise, Tyler couldn't remember anything but the room, the windows that surround him revealing something to him that he'd never be able to be part of. "Do you remember why you came here?" Affirmative noise, it was suppose to be a retreat according to his mum a chance for him to "clear his mind". "The summer project you came here for finished six months ago" the words shoot through him, force him to stop rocking,he'd been here for over six months? It felt like he'd only ever been here, Tyler wonders what happened to his parents and Zack? What happened to the girl the nice one the one Tyler liked, maybe she got better maybe he scared her into getting help. "I'm here to talk to you, I'll be here everyday so we can talk about whatever you want to, if you don't feel like talking I can tell you stories" he doesn't use the word help, only talk he only wants to be Tyler's friend, Tyler likes Josh he makes him feel better makes the voices shut up. "Josh" that's the first word to escape Tyler's lips since he'd been put in here, "that's me" his voice is soft and gentle he's not trying to intimidate him, Tyler couldn't hear the familiar sound of a pen scraping across paper. That made Tyler like Josh even more, Josh wasn't writing down everything he said wasn't treating him like an alien.

Although he didn't turn to face him, the more Josh spoke to Tyler the more he would reply. Tyler wasn't dangerous or a safety risk, Tyler was vulnerable, he afraid of his own shadow. Josh couldn't understand why he was in this room, Tyler needed compassion and love not isolation Josh was determined to help Tyler get better. "Why do you sit in that corner Ty?" Josh was sitting on the floor by the bed, trying to get on Tyler's level to make sure he didn't feel intimidated. "So it takes longer for the men in white to get me" his voice fades to silence as he starts to sob, the men in white are the men who come to give patients who refuse food nutrients via a drip. "What if I said I could stop the men in white coming here?" The words got a reaction instantly, he raised his head and looked to the side slightly revealing his black neck another thing Josh would have to find out about over time. "How?" For the first time Tyler's voice is louder and less sorrowful, "if you sit and eat food with me, they won't have to come anywhere near you" Josh knew it was a long shot he'd just met Tyler today but he felt like he was already starting understand him. "Would you eat with me?" The question is whispered and he still hadn't turned to face Josh but that didn't matter Josh couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Of course you can stay in the corner or you can sit with me if you'd like" Tyler shakes his head immediately, so Josh doesn't push it instead he stands up "I have to go an get it but I'll be right back" Tyler doesn't reply to him he just starts to slowly rock back and forth again.

It took him a while but eventually Tyler finished everything and slid the plastic plate toward Josh. "Tyler I'll have to leave soon" Tyler was going to have to face the night alone again, a night alone with the voices who would tear him apart for eating who would show him how fat he'd made himself. "Will you come back?" He asks rocking again with fear knowing the voices were going to come back, "first thing tomorrow morning probably before you wake up" Tyler wants to laugh, "don't sleep" Blurry haunts his dreams he always had, no matter how many pills they gave him to silence Blurry in the day Blurry always came back to Tyler in his dreams. "Be strong for me okay Tyler" Josh's voice is gentle but Tyler wasn't ready for him to leave Tyler couldn't do it by himself, he hears the familiar click of the door being opened, takes a deep breath he turns. "Please don't leave me" his voice is desperate with tears running down his face, Josh closes the door then turns back around to face Tyler. "Okay I'll stay with you" Tyler couldn't believe it as he watched Josh slowly walk closer and sit opposite him "I'll stay by your side as long as you need me to"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks For Reading!
> 
> I know I said that this was a one shot but after the heathens video I decided I should carry on.


	3. Restrictions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's only focus was Tyler, the only thing Josh wanted to do was to make Tyler happy. All he wants is to ensure Tyler's life is as easy and happy as possible.

Because Tyler had been put in maximum security there was very little Josh could bring into his room. He'd managed to convince his boss that Tyler should be moved to a separate room that would have two beds, one for Tyler and one for Josh. But until that happened Josh had to find ways of keeping Tyler relaxed and distracted, the restrictions put on Tyler didn't exactly help Josh though. Josh had been sleeping on the floor in Tyler's room by the younger boys bed, Tyler had helped him to fashion a mattress out of pillows and a sheet, today Josh was trying something new. He returned to Tyler's room holding a pack of cards, Tyler had become comfortable enough with Josh and trusted him enough to face the door when Josh entered the room. He still stuck to his corner though but Josh understood, Tyler had an obsessive nature so it made sense. Josh sits down opposite the boy, the way he had done everyday for the past two weeks, "ever play go fish?" Josh asks as he shuffles the deck. "I use to play with my younger brother" Tyler replies his soft and sorrowful voice gave Josh goose bumps every time he heard it, "once you're move out of this room you can see him if you'd like" Josh says as he starts to deal the cards. Tyler normally sat with his knees pulled towards his chest, but hearing that he'd be able to see his brother again seemed to relax him, the vice he had on his legs seemed to slacken slightly. "Really?" He asks pulling his deck of cards towards himself, Josh nods as he sorts his deck of cards he didn't want to make seeing his brother or moving rooms a big deal to Tyler because that would make it stressful for him. Josh tried his hardest to avoid making anything stressful for Tyler, Tyler had to deal with so much so Josh was determined to do everything he could to make the younger boys life easier. "If I do meet people, can you stay with me" Josh just about heard the question and can feel a small smile start to form on his face "like I've said before Ty, I'll stay with you as long as you need me"

After four rounds of go fish Josh disappears to get lunch. Tyler knew that he'd be leaving this room today, he traced patterns on the permanently cold white floor below him as he rocked slowly. Tyler thought he'd never see the other side of the walls that enclosed him, would die in the very spot he was sat in he had been so sure of it for months but Josh was saving him Josh had proved him wrong. Josh meant everything to Tyler, he was the only person Tyler had ever met that made him feel human, made him feel alive and gave him reason to keep living. When Tyler was with Josh he was safe, the voices couldn't get him and even Blurry was less aggressive in his dreams, when Josh would disappear for a few minutes the voices would only whisper they never screamed anymore because they knew Josh would be back. Knew Josh would shut them up as soon as he returned, for once it was the voices that were afraid not Tyler. Josh returns and Tyler looks up from the floor to greet him, instantly he notices that there is no food in Josh's hands the change of routine shoots fear through Tyler, squeezing his eyes shut he begins to rock faster than before . "Ty it's okay it's me" Josh's voice calms him slightly slows his rocking down, "our room is ready, but we have to leave now" our not yours our, the room was going to be for the both of them would feel safer Tyler couldn't wait to be there didn't mind leaving now. "Ty you need to listen to me now because there are rules when it comes to room transfer" Josh's voice doesn't sound happy like normal he seems sad maybe even angry, what if someone had said something to him? Upset him? Tyler would kill anyone that hurt Josh. Tyler slowly opens his eyes and nods to let Josh know he's listening, "these aren't my rules but this is the only way I can get you out of here okay?" Tyler nods again as Josh crouches in front of him, as long as Josh was there he'd be okay. "You'll have to go to the room strapped to a wheel chair" Tyler didn't understand why would he have to do that? there was nothing wrong with him, "I can walk" he mumbles in reply and Josh smiles softly at him. "I know you can Ty but it's just to make sure you stay in the seat, the men in white have to come in to move you". Tyler shoots backwards into the corner as tears start streaming down his face with his hands on his head he starts to mumble "no" he was terrified, the thought of the men alone kept Tyler up all night, he couldn't face them. "It's okay, I'll be there with you I'll stay by your side I won't let them hurt you" Josh says gently trying to soothe him, knowing Josh would be there makes Tyler feel less afraid, he knew it was the only way so reluctantly he nods once. "It'll be fast I promise and I'll help you every step of the way" Josh walks over to the door and opens it allowing the two men in.

Gently Josh helps Tyler into the chair and straps him in, he smiles reassuringly as he takes Tyler's shaking hand. He seemed so much smaller sat in the chair, even more vulnerable than before, Josh wished he could help more Tyler's pulse was racing giving Josh biological proof of just how terrified Tyler was of these men. Once they got to the room Josh helped Tyler out of the chair, thanked the guards before closing the door behind them. Looking at his hand Josh noticed some of the black from Tyler's hands had rubbed off onto his, he still hadn't asked Tyler about it yet there just hadn't been a good chance to. Looking up from the his hand he sees Tyler standing in the centre of the room taking in every aspect of it, analysing and calculating everything. Josh walks over to the two beds and catches Tyler's attention "which one would you like?" He asks, "don't sleep" Tyler replies shrugging. That was the exact response Josh had been expecting so he tries again "I didn't ask that Ty I just asked which one" Tyler walks over to the two beds stares at them for a moment then points to the one on Josh's right in the corner. "Perfect" Josh replies slumping down on the unpicked bed, the mattress was thin and the bed sheets were rough but it was defiantly better than sleeping on the floor. Josh watches in the corner of his eye as Tyler sits gingerly on the edge of his bed and slowly leans back and lays down, Josh smiles to himself to anyone else Tyler laying down wasn't a big thing anyone could do it but to Josh it was another step towards Tyler becoming happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks For Reading!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it in really enjoying writing this, if you want more joshler I'm also writing another fic about the two of them. It's called an infatuation with Joshua Dun and it's completely different to this story. (Sorry for the shameless self promotion;) )


	4. Optimism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh hadn't seen him roommate in months, he was too focused on helping Tyler.

Josh hadn't been home in two months, he'd been so focused on helping Tyler and getting him out into the real world, that he hadn't had time to; he'd rang his roommate a few times to let him know that he hadn't died. It had taken a long time but Josh had finally convinced his boss to let Tyler have another assessment. Tyler was like a different man, the nurses couldn't believe the progress he had made and it was all thanks to Josh, Tyler knew that and so did the nurses. Josh had managed to cut Tyler's medication down immensely, Tyler no longer took anti-depressants or sleeping pills and because he ate he didn't need to take food supplements. The only medication Josh hadn't cut out was the kind that silenced Blurry. Josh was Tyler's medication now he taught him ways to over come the pain he felt and to accept the person he was, Josh had become everything to Tyler. Although Tyler was sitting at the desk alone being interrogated he felt safe because sitting at the back of the room by the door was Josh, who would take over if it all got to much but Tyler wasn't going to let that happen. If Tyler could get through this, if Tyler could prove to them that he wasn't the same person they had first interviewed he'd be let out. Not only would he be let out, he'd been staying with Josh as he would not be allowed to be unsupervised, "Mr Joseph I'm sure everyone here will agree with me when I say the progress you've made is outstanding". The one who spoke got nods from the women around her, the woman who had been staring at Tyler's hands was smiling wide at him "I see from you report that you give all responsibility for your recovery to Joshua Dun is that correct?" She says looking up from Tyler's file. "Yes, Josh taught me how to cope with things, taught me how to handle the things that I use to find impossible" his speech wasn't staggered and his stutter disappeared he almost felt proud of himself. 

Tyler was escorted back to his room alone because they had to interview Josh, Josh would be the one to find out if Tyler was going to be released. They also had to asses Josh to see if he was a suitable guardian for Tyler. The word guardian felt wrong to Tyler, Josh was only a few months older than him guardian made Tyler sound like a child. "You should be extremely proud of yourself Joshua, we've never seen such an astonishing recovery" the women had Josh's work file in front of her and was scanning each page. "Honestly I didn't do that much, I just spoke to him and let him tell me things instead of asking" the woman nods and the two women beside her start to scribble something down. "Our only concern is that Tyler will become too dependent on you can you confirm that this will not be an issue?" She taps her pen as she stares at Josh waiting for his response. "It won't just be me at home, my roommate lives there and Tyler's family are very keen to visit as my apartment is near to where they live, you can call them to confirm that if you wish to" Josh had done these interviews before, he already knew exactly what to say. "No that won't be necessary, Tyler has been given the all clear and you have proved yourself to be the perfect guardian for him" Josh felt a smile stretch across his face, they'd done it Tyler was being released finally. Josh walked with a spring in his step as he went back to room to tell Tyler the awesome new, he unlocked the door and found Ty sitting on his bed writing. "We're going home Ty" the smile on Tyler's face was one Josh had never seen, there was no sadness in the boys eyes he was beaming with happiness as jumped off the bed and ran towards Josh. The older boy stood in shock for a second as Tyler embraced him, the two of them hugged for a moment before Tyler pulled away blushing. "I er don't know why I did that" he says standing awkwardly and smiling "it's fine Ty, let's go I have a lot of paper work to fill out and I need to call Bren to come pick us up" Josh smiles back at him , then opens the door to their room again.

Josh had lived with Brendon in their three bedroom apartment for four years, the two boys had met in high school and formed a bond over the drums. The Brendon was in a band and Josh didn't have enough room in his bedroom for his drums, so they had made a studio for Brendon to work in out of the spare bedroom. Brendon was slightly older than Josh and his band toured every summer, which was the main reason Josh worked the wards during the summer. Bren had been home for about three weeks when Josh had rung him explaining the Tyler situation and just like Josh had expected Bren had been totally cool with it. Tyler stayed close to Josh while he signed the release forms, he was terrified of leaving and going back into the world, what if Josh's roommate didn't like him? Or thought he was a freak? "Done finally" the red head says dropping the pen and turning to Tyler who was still stood by his side, "ready to go Ty?" Josh asks softly. Tyler was so afraid that his words got stuck in his throat, all he could manage was a nod, Josh smiles gently at him and takes the younger boys hand "we'll do it together one step at a time" the words brought comfort to Tyler but it didn't stop his hands from shaking and his legs from feeling weak as they walked towards the door. Tyler didn't know what Josh's roommate looked like, but as they walked out of the automatic doors, Tyler knew there was only one person in the car park that Brendon could be. The guy was sitting on the hood of his car wearing the tightest jeans Tyler had ever seen, a tank top, leather jacket and a hat similar to the one Josh wears. The more Tyler looked at him the more he realised that the guy was dressed exactly the same as Josh, which made the younger boy giggle slightly under his breath. "Long time no see Joshua" the guy says as he jumps of the hood and hugs Josh, "and you must be Tyler" Brendon extends his hand with a smile, Tyler looks over to Josh who nods at him before he takes Brendon's hand and shakes it. "Nice to meet you" although his stutter had returned Tyler had managed to speak, to actually say words to someone he'd just met and he could see the look of pride on Josh's face which brought a smile to Tyler's face as well. "Well I'm fucking starving can we go?" Brendon doesn't even wait for the two of them to answer he just climbs into the car and starts the engine, Tyler was going to like living with him he was like Josh he looked at Tyler and saw a person. "Sorry about him" Josh says apologetically, "don't be" Tyler smiles at him then climbs into the back of Brendon's car. Tyler had no clue where the apartment was, he couldn't even remember where he lived before the only home Tyler had truly known was the room he had shared with Josh. For once in his life Tyler actually felt optimistic about his life although Blurry hadn't shown his face in a long time and the voices sometimes got a little too loud, Tyler knew that living with Josh and Brendon would help him to finally be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks For Reading!
> 
> (Sorry I haven't posted in a little while I had to leave the country for a funeral and I have two fics running at the same time. I plan to go back to updating this story more frequently, if you want more joshler check out my other story called "An Infactuation With Joshua Dun".


	5. A Spark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler arrives at the apartment and his parents are eager to see him but don't seem to realise he's not the same as he use to be.

Josh wanted Tyler to feel as relaxed as possible on the car ride home, he knew moving out would be stressful for the younger boy and Josh didn't want to make it worse. Obviously Brendon hadn't got the memo as he drove the car slightly too fast back to the apartment, whilst he blared old backstreet boys songs and sang. This was not what Josh had planned but as he looked over at Tyler to see if the smaller boy was panicking he was surprised to see him laughing and dancing along to the songs. "You like the backstreet boys?" Josh asks placing a hand on top of Tyler's "I use to listen to them with my brother" Tyler replies smiling at Josh, the nostalgia in the boys voice was a good sign. Tyler was remembering life before he was sent to the summer camp something the doctors hadn't thought would happen due to the amount of emotional trauma the young boy had endured. 

Tyler didn't have any bags of stuff yet because his Mother hadn't dropped them yet. Brendon leads the way to the apartment that they would be sharing, it was located on the second floor and faced out into the City, "welcome to casa de Urie and Dun" Brendon says as he unlocks the door. Tyler walks in and begins to asses the apartment he'd be staying in, the sofa that he'd be sleeping on looked comfortable enough and the apartment was relatively clean. "Ty your parents and younger brother are going to call round later today to drop off your stuff" Josh says kicking of his shoes, Tyler doesn't reply he just nods as he continues to look around the apartment at the pictures and awards that hug from the walls. "Change of plan boys I've got a hot date with my guitarist and he can be a bitch when I'm late" Brendon winks at Josh before disappearing out of the front door. "Brendon's gay?" Tyler asks abruptly, Josh had forgot that Tyler was a Christian this could be bad "no he's dated girls and guys, he doesn't like being put under a label" Josh starts to make the two boys something to eat and watches as Tyler walks over to him and sits on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. "He seems like a cool guy" Josh smiles, he was glad that Tyler didn't have a problem with Bren it would make living with them a lot easier. "You're not going to leave me when my parents are here are you?" Tyler's voice was soft as he spoke, Josh watched as the younger boy began to rub at his neck -a nervous habit Tyler had-. "Of course not Ty, I'll be by your side like I always am, we better eat now though so you can take your meds before they get here" Tyler nods and the smile on his face makes Josh go weak at the knees. The red head didn't have time to think about his feeling for Tyler but lately it's all he could think of, late at night when the two boys would lie in bed inches from each other Josh wanted nothing more but to climb into Tyler's bed and hold him close. Josh had forced his feelings to the back of his mind but Tyler's beautiful face still made him feel weak, Josh still felt drawn to the younger boy.

The two boys had been sitting side by side watching an episode of the x-files when Tyler's family had knocked on the apartment door. Tyler's first instinct was to grab Josh's hand, the loving look in the older boys eyes brought Tyler some comfort and helped him to stay calm. "It's going to be fine Ty, they've missed you and if it gets too much I'll talk for you okay" Josh says squeezing Tyler's had reassuringly, Tyler nods and reluctantly releases his grip on Josh's hand. Tyler watches Josh adjust his hat before he opens the door, the brunette takes a deep breath as he watches his family pile into the room. The looks on their faces are a mix of love and concern, seeing his families familiar faces brought little comfort to Tyler, it felt like he was being stared at by a group of strangers. His eyes go straight to Josh who smiles at him and walks back to the sofa and sits with him, "breathe" Josh whispers and Tyler nods his head. "It's so good to see you Tyler we've missed you so much" the woman -Tyler's mother- hurries towards him and wraps her arms around him, Tyler sits frozen in his mothers arms focusing on his breathing, trying his hardest to remain calm. "Miss Joseph I know you're excited to see Tyler but he is not the same as when you last saw him, you need to establish a bond of trust with him before hugging him like that" Josh's voice is friendly yet firm, Tyler smiles over at him gratefully as his Mother lets go of him and flushes red. 

"Hey Ty" the voice catches Tyler's   
attention immediately he looks over and locks eyes with his younger brother. The words were the first spoken to Tyler since the awkward greeting between Tyler and his mother, his partners were deep in conversation about Tyler's medication and accommodation with Josh. "Hi" manages to escape Tyler's lips, he watches a flicker of hope appear in Zack's eyes as his younger brother smiles back at him. "It's not the same without you at home" the words cut through Tyler, he'd been locked away for so long, he abandoned his brother and the worst part was due to the amount of pills he was taking he had completely forgot about him. "I,I I I'm sssorry" the words take a lot of effort from Tyler, but he feels an obligation to reply to his younger brother. He'd been gone for so long the least he could do was answer the boy, Josh looks over at him and Tyler could see the worry in the older boys eyes. Josh was afraid that Tyler was pushing himself too much, forcing himself to do things he just wasn't ready for because he felt he had to, Josh could see the distress it was bringing the younger boy. Tyler's hands were twisting and moving out of control and every so often Josh would see Tyler move his neck to the side, things that his family seemed to be obliviously overlooking. Although he may protest Josh had to put an end to this for today, Tyler's family would have enough time to come and visit another time but the situation had become too overwhelming for the younger boy. 

Tyler watched his family walk out the door waving their goodbyes and then disappear behind the door. "You did so well Ty, you must be exhausted" Tyler nods before he leans back into the sofa and closes his eyes. "Wanna see your bed?" Josh asks standing awkwardly by the front door, Tyler sits up and looks up at him "I thought I'd be sleeping on the sofa" Tyler replies quietly. "Follow me" Josh extends his hand out to Tyler who takes it and follows the older boy out to the corridor, "that's Brens room" Josh points to the door closest to them, "and the one opposite is the studio and where Bren spends most of his time" Tyler nods still holding onto Josh's hand. Josh opens the the final door revealing a room with a Kingsize bed in the centre, a large closet and a single bed by the window. "I had to move some stuff around but I managed to fit a single in here so I could stay with you for a few days until you settle in then I'll move out if you'd like" Tyler couldn't believe the words he was hearing, Josh was giving up his whole room for him. "I don't want you to move out" Tyler mumbles quietly as he walks further into the bedroom, he runs a hand over the soft blanket coving the bed before he sits down, "then I'll stay in here with you, I'm gonna go get changed and go to bed, I left you clothes to sleep in on your pillow" Josh smiles before walking out of the room and closing the door behind himself. Tyler carefully takes his shoes off and places them against the wall, Tyler turns and takes the clothes left out for him off of the pillow, it was only a t-shirt and shorts but they smelt of Josh. He changes quickly then folds his clothes and puts them beside his shoes then climbs into the bed, the bed makes him feel so small he was so use to a smaller bed, this one made him feel like he was drowning. The only thing that was keeping him calm was the smell, he was comforted by the smell because it was all just Josh. When the door opens Tyler's heart skips a beat, the red head walks in shirtless and climbs into the small bed. "Jjjosh" Tyler stumbles on his words nervously, this was the first time Tyler had ever felt nervous around Josh,he normally felt so calm around him but right now Tyler's heart was in his mouth. "What is it Ty?" Josh asks sitting up and looking over at him, "will you er sleep here" Tyler's voice fades as he feels himself blush. "Oh of course" Tyler felt like he was watching in slow motion as Josh climbed out of the small bed and into the one Tyler was in. Tyler lay frozen in the bed, he could feel the warmth radiating from Josh and he longed for the older boy to wrap his arms around him. "I'm gonna turn the light off now okay Ty?" Josh asks quietly, "okay" Tyler whispers before the room is sent into darkness. The two boys lay silently listening to the other breathe, eventually Tyler turns to his side closing the gap between the two of them. Josh very slowly places an arm around Tyler and as he does a large slam rings through the apartment, startling both boys. "It's okay" Josh whispers to a now shaking Tyler as the two start to listen for more noise "will you fucking shut up Josh and Ty are probably sleeping" the voice is Brendon's and from the sounds of it he's with someone else. "Shit sorry" the words are slurred and the voice sounds like Ryan's, the two boys look at each other and start to giggle as the they listen to Brendon and Ryan's attempt to be quiet. "I'm so glad I sound proofed Brendon's room" Tyler nods in agreement as he wraps his arm Josh's stomach. "Thank you Josh" Tyler whispers gently into the darkness of their room "for what Ty?" Josh replies quietly, "everything"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks For Reading!
> 
> Because I was gone for a while, so here's an extra long one to make up for it. 
> 
> Let me know what you think and if you have any ideas for this story:)


	6. Waking Up With Josh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler's memories of the past were gone and had taken the man he once was with him. Now he'd have to rebuild himself learn to feel something other than sadness. Luckily Joshua Dun is a literally beam of happiness and love and can help to show him the way. 
> 
> Or the one where Tyler wakes up next to Josh and feels weirdly calm and safe wrapped in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been gone for a while, I'm so sorry but life stuff happened and I got distracted. I'm not abandoning this story though because it's going to get very interesting ;)

Tyler couldn't remember the person he had been before he left his family that summer. He couldn't remember if he had friends or if he had been bullied, the only face he could remember was the girl who had sat beside him before Blurry had attacked. When he woke beside Josh that morning, he didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable. Tyler actually felt like he should always have woke up in Josh's arms. This was the first morning that Tyler hadn't been woken by the harsh sound of metal doors slamming shut. The room didn't smell of antiseptic and the bed sheets weren't rough against his skin, Tyler could easily fall back to sleep in Josh's arms. Unfortunately his bladder wasn't going to let that happen and demanded that he found a toilet and fast. The brunette slips out of Josh's arms and carefully tiptoes out of the room, closing the door gently behind him. Tyler still hadn't quite worked out the layout of the apartment, he creeps past the studio and Brendon's bedroom and ends up by the living room.Tyler had also assumed that Brendon and the guy he had brought home would still be asleep. Yet much to the small boys horror as he steps into the room, he sees Brendon sitting beside the guy he brought home(Ryan I think Josh had called him). 

The guy -Ryan- was nothing like what Tyler had expected him to be. Although Tyler had only briefly met Brendon, he could tell he was pretty charismatic, louder than most people and from the stories Josh had told he was a very sexual guy. Tyler had expected Ryan to be a small, bleached blonde tanned guy with teeth that were just a little too white. Someone just as loud and crazy as Brendon, with muscles falling out of his skin tight shirt, but Tyler couldn't have been more wrong. Ryan was a thin with pale skin and brown hair, he seemed a lot taller than Brendon but the way he sat made him seem a lot smaller. As an introvert himself Tyler could spot one a mile away, he could see the discomfort in the boys eyes as Tyler had walked into the room . "Mornin Ty" Brendon says snapping Tyler out of his inner monologue, Brendon had his arm around the boy again making Ryan seem smaller than he actually was. It's not until Tyler realises that both Brendon and Ryan are staring at him, that he becomes very aware of what he must look like. Scruffy morning hair and wearing clothes that were a little too big for him wasn't exactly the way he would choose to meet people but it was too late now, they'd already seen him so he'd just have to get on with it. "Ggggood morning" his stutter bothered him, but a stuttered response was better than nothing and at the moment it was all Tyler could manage. The brunette had been so busy in his own mind analysing the people in front of him he'd been ignoring the desperate pleas from his bladder. His eyes go wide as he feels his insides about to burst "tttoilet" was all he could handle but they seem to understand him. "Just over there" Brendon says pointing to a door that Tyler hadn't noticed, the brunette nods then hurries to the bathroom to relieve himself.

When Josh wakes he reaches out for Tyler and is disappointed when he can't find him. Opening his eyes, he stretches before swinging his legs out of the bed. The red head runs a hand through his messy morning curls then heads out to the kitchen to make breakfast and find Tyler. Half asleep the older boy doesn't see Tyler sitting with Brendon and Ryan until he's already at the kettle, "morning" he mumbles, as he starts to make himself coffee. He watches Tyler walk over to him and if it hadn't been so early in the morning, Josh would definitely blushed seeing the younger boy standing in front of him in a pair of boxers and a tank top. "Good morning Joshua" Tyler says softly as he smiles at him, Josh smiles back at him and the two boys share a silent moment that's rudely interrupted by the ping of the kettle. "Coffee?" Josh asks giggling and Tyler simply nods in reply as he laughs quietly, Josh makes Tyler decaf because he wasn't sure what effect caffeine would have on him. The two boys walk over to the empty sofa and sit side by side "good to see you Ryan" Josh says smiling at the shy boy. "Sorry if we woke you last night" Ryan speaks so softly that Josh could hardly hear him, but luckily he was use to soft speaking from Tyler so it wasn't too much of a problem. The more Tyler looked at Ryan and the way he was around Brendon, the more he starts to realise that he must look the same way with Josh.

He gets so engrossed in analysing the couple, that he doesn't hear the question Brendon asks until the couple are staring at him. "Ssorry" Tyler says as he feels his face start to burn, he had to stop zoning out when people were talking to him. "I said how did you find the bed, I know it's small but we couldn't afford a sofa bed", "I dddidnt sleep in it" shit he'd done it again, he hadn't thought before he spoke. Brendon shoots a curious look at Josh who laughs nervously, "well Joshie boy I take it you slept on it then" Brendon asks with a mischievous glimmer in his eye. "Well obviously Bren" Ryan says elbowing his boyfriend, Josh smiles at him gratefully and Ryan smiles back. "What? all I'm saying is, they'd make a fucking hot couple" Tyler's eyes go wide as he starts to compute the words Brendon was saying, he looks over at Josh who shuffles awkwardly in his seat. Tyler had never been in love before(well from what he could remember), he was pretty sure he didn't even know what love was. The sea of darkness that had controlled him for so long had consumed his emotions, all he knew was that he felt a warm buzz whenever he was with Josh. He'd done it again he'd zoned out and now he had no clue what they were talking about. "Look Josh you haven't been with anyone since that blonde chick like 3 years ago" they were still focused on Josh which was good thing, this was one of the few things Tyler didn't know about Josh. It had never crossed his mind to ask, in the same way Josh had never asked Tyler about a significant other. "I've been busy, you know I've never been good with the whole dating thing" Josh feels himself start to get flustered, he knew exactly what Brendon was doing. If Tyler hadn't been beside him what Brendon was doing wouldn't have worked, he wouldn't have let Brendon's words get to him like they were. He was suppose to be looking after Tyler, if he admitted to having feelings for him and got found out he'd be fired. Tyler would be taken anyway from him, Josh would rather admire Tyler and suffer in silence than risk being torn away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!  
> (Someone is going to show up in the next chapter or the one after that and shake everything up. Can you guess who it is?)


	7. An Unexpected Visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh didn't know who the person who had shown up was, all he knew was they seemed to know a lot about Tyler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I was gone for so long I was on holiday and the wifi was shit but I'm back

Josh was grateful when the conversation shifted away from his love life and to music. It was something he knew that Tyler could happily talk about and engage with without feeling uncomfortable. The groups conversation was brought to a halt by an unexpected knock on the front door. The four of them exchange a curious look for a moment before another knock came from the door, although he was wearing the least out of everyone Josh was the one expected to answer to door. Sighing he pulls himself off of the couch and attempts to tame his hair while he walks to door, as he opens the front door he is greeted with a friendly smile from a woman he didn't recognise. Her long blonde hair faded to a blue colour that matched her eyes, her eyes seemed friendly and her soft features matched them perfectly. "Hi I know I'm early" The cheeriness in her voice complimented the happy glimmer in her eyes, Josh just wished he knew who the hell she was. "Oh it's fine, I'm just not sure you're in the right place?" Josh replies smiling at her feeling slight more awkward about standing in his underwear. "Oh was I meant to call and make an appointment? I'm just quite eager to see him" her cheeks flush a light pink colour as she speaks. "An appointment?" Josh asks confused, this girl had to be in the wrong place, "yeah to see Tyler" oh shit Josh had completely forgot. Tyler's mother had said something about some of Tyler's friends coming to see him today, oh fuck he was so screwed he didn't exactly look professional right now. "Oh right, sorry it's completely my fault if you'd like to follow me, oh and sorry my flat mates in there with his boyfriend" the girl just smiles happily and waits for Josh to lead her in.

Tyler's eyes never left Josh's back as the older boy stood at the door, he was speaking too quietly so Tyler had no clue who was on the other side which put the younger boy on edge. He watched as Josh walked into the room and the person from door followed close behind him, the red heads eyes went straight to Tyler but the younger boy couldn't work out the look on his face. "Tyler!" The exclamation came from a girl who looked vaguely familiar, from what Josh had taught him even if he didn't remember people it didn't mean they'd forgotten him. He had to be polite and try his hardest to remember them or at least find out how he'd known them, he stands up to greet the stranger who wraps her arms around him. The brunettes eyes shoot to Josh who mouths "breathe" at him before exaggerating a breath. "Iittts nice to sssee you" the stutter still bothered him but right now he'd much rather that than a panic attack. The girl lets go and Tyler sits back down, while Brendon and Ryan shuffle awkwardly out of the room and give the girl a place to sit down. Josh grabs Brendon's arm "grab me a tshirt and two pairs of pants and I'll give you twenty bucks" Bren nods then disappears out of the room. "I can't believe we haven't spoke for this long, I'm use to seeing your big brown eyes everyday" she seemed kind and obviously Tyler had been close to her but he still had no recollection of who she was. He looks over at Josh desperately pleading for help with his eyes, "sorry I didn't catch your name" Josh says smoothly and averting the girls attention from Tyler for a moment. "Oh gosh right, I guess I got carried away its Jenna, your Josh right?" Nope still nothing, why couldn't Tyler remember her like he'd remembered his family? 

Once the two boys had pulled on the clothes Brendon had brought in Josh made coffee again and observed from a distance. The girl -Jenna- knew a lot about Tyler, his past struggles with his condition, what he had enjoyed and been like before he was put into the camp. The only question was why now? Why had she stayed away, she knew so much, down to the ward Tyler had been kept on yet she hadn't come to see him? She was sitting close to him and speaking confidently so she wasn't intimidated by him or Blurry. None of it made any sense to Josh, if he'd known Tyler before his break down he would have been in the hospital everyday trying to see him. She knew him so well that Josh had no doubt that she knew just how lonely Tyler felt but yet she still kept away. "So how long until you come home Ty" she places her carefully manicured hand on his knee and it makes Josh's stomach turn, "well for now ttthis is home". In the corner of his eye Tyler sees Josh smile which sends the familiar warm buzz round Tyler's body again, "don't be silly Ty your home is in Ohio with me" she smiles at him softly, her hand not moving from his knee. 

Josh couldn't just watch anymore he needed to find out more about this girl. He carries the coffee over and sits beside Tyler who's staring at the floor in a daze, if only Josh could read his mind. It would make helping the younger boy so much easier, "if you don't mind me asking what was your relationship with Tyler?" He shouldn't be doing it he knew he shouldn't. But he had to know and this was the easiest way of finding out, "well we use to date but we broke up when Tyler started to deteriorate, we were talking a lot before he went into summer camp but we aren't official" the words were like knives and her tone of voice made it so much worse, they were so genuine and heartfelt. Tyler felt sick it was all too much, it felt like the room was spinning and his eyes couldn't focus on anything, shit he needed to calm down before Blurry came out but he couldn't sitting in that room. Tyler slowly starts to rock back and forth and mumble "Jjjosh jjosh Josh Josh Josh" under his breath. Josh kneels in front of the brunette trying to make eye contact with him "shhh it's okay I'm here focus on me Ty its all going to be okay" Jenna watched on feeling completely helpless, all she wanted to do was help. A year ago it would be her helping Tyler and calming him with her voice but now she felt completely useless. She smiles at him as Josh escorts him out of the room. She hadn't realised how much smaller he'd gotten, he looked completely different from the Tyler she knew, Josh returns after a few minutes and sits down opposite her. "You need to understand that Tyler cant remember anything about life before he was put on the ward, so hearing stuff like that affects him so badly because he feels guilty" Jenna nods staying silent and trying to process what she was hearing. "He is not the same person that you knew, honestly he is entirely different and has no recollection as to who he was or who he knew" Josh had always hated having to break bad news to family or friends. Especially something like this, it was so obvious how much this girl cared for Tyler which made it even harder for Josh to tell her. "I think I should go, but I would like to see him again if I could" a tear rolls down her cheek as she stands up and walks over to the door. "His memory could come back you know" Josh knows that his words brought no comfort to her but she smiles gratefully at him anyway before pulling the door shut. Josh hits his forehead against the closed door and just stays there letting the events of the last half an hour sink in. "who the fuck was that" Brendon asks walking back into the the living room, "Long story"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks For Reading!
> 
> I personally love Jenna I think she's so beautiful and obviously makes Tyler super happy. But don't worry this is a Joshler story;)


	8. Small Blue Pills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could Josh forget something so important?  
> Or the one where Josh accepts his feelings for Tyler.

Tyler sat shaking on Josh's bed, his head was pounding with voices screaming at him. There were new ones that he'd didn't recognise but there was only one that had his attention, the voice, his deep invasive voice. Tyler jumped off of the bed, slammed the bedroom door shut and locked it, he couldn't let Blurry near Josh. In Tyler's dreams Blurry had focused his threats on Josh, he would hurt Josh the first chance he got and they both knew it. The young boy collapsed to the floor in a trembling mess, holding his head in an attempt to stop the room swirling. "Did you miss me Tyler?" The question rings in his ears as the ticks and compulsions he had once stamped out slowly start to return. His brain went into overload as every odd number and loud noise churned in his stomach, "go away" the young boy repeats in an almost hypnotic mantra. He hadn't taken his medication this morning and Jenna's arrival had triggered this reaction in his brain. He'd been assured in the hospital that it wasn't the medication blocking his memory but the trauma that Blurry caused. His hands began to twist and shake as Tyler replayed those words in his head, what if he forgot Josh? His whole world would crumble and he'd be locked up again, NO he wouldn't forget Josh he couldn't. 

"I better check on Tyler " Josh was still in a slight haze from meeting Jenna but Tyler had to be his top priority. He walked down the corridor and saw his bedroom door was closed, he stares at it confused. He hadn't closed it because he didn't want Tyler to feel trapped or claustrophobic in his room. Alarm bells began to go off in Josh's head when he went to open the door and it was locked. "Tyler it's me" Josh says trying to keep his calm as he knocks on the door. "HELP ME JOSH" is screamed back the distress in Tyler's voice scared him, what was happening? He had to get inside the room but Josh had no clue where the spare key was. "Tyler listen to my voice, only my voice" Josh keeps his voice steady as he kneels in front of the door. 

There was no way, Blurry had ruined it, they weren't just voices anymore. The things screaming at him were coming out of the shadows, taunting and mocking him. He clung to the door, Josh was there Josh would stop it, help him and silence Blurry. The one voice he couldn't see, because he was part of Tyler, he was a dark tumour in the centre of Tyler's brain. You can't destroy one without the other but either way Tyler was terminal if he didn't take the pills Josh gave him every morning. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't focus on Josh's voice, his rocking became vicious, slamming his back into the door. His hands had become violent, digging into his arms and leaving bruises Blurry had put Tyler into self destruct and if Josh didn't hurry Blurry would destroy the fragile boy. 

Think Josh think! It was clear that his words weren't getting through to the younger boy. So he'd have to get in, he attempts to look through the key hole and that's when it clicks. Josh runs to the the living room, he grabs his keys off of the kitchen counter and picks up an old takeout pizza menu. Once he gets back to the door he kneels down, opens the menu out and slips part of it under the door. He then uses his own keys to push the door key out of the lock and sits apprehensively as he waits to hear it land on the floor. Josh sighs with relief when he hears a gentle clink and starts to pull the menu slowly back to his side of the door, he couldn't believe his eyes when the key was revealed. His plan had worked, his hands shake as he struggles to unlock the door and when he does he finds Tyler curled up in ball shaking and crying.

Josh drops to his knees and wraps his arms around him, "it's okay Ty I'm here they can't hurt you anymore" the words bring little comfort to the young boy. His whole body aches, his ears ring from the screaming and Blurry hadn't disappeared. Josh just holds him in his arms as the young boy trembles, "Blurry" the word is muffled but its unmistakable. "This is all my fault, I haven't given you your medication today" Josh says, his voice is soft and calm but he's mentally cursing himself. "Can you walk for me Ty?" Negative noise, Josh's heart was still racing he'd fucked up majorly how did he forget something so important? Now Tyler had slipped into his old habits and it was all his fault. "Brendon" Josh shouts out to his room mate, Tyler whimpers and tightens his grip on Josh, startled by the shouting.

"What?... oh shit" Brendon stares shocked at the scene in front of him, "grab me the pot of pills labeled Tyler from the medicine cabin" Brendon nods then slips out of the room. "I just want him to go away" Josh isn't sure what's worse, the strain in Tyler's voice or what the young boy had said. Tyler didn't have the energy to move, Blurry had completely drained him which meant Tyler had no way of protecting Josh from whatever Blurry was going to do. Tyler had never enjoyed taking pills but if it would keep Josh safe, then he'd swallow the whole bottle if he had to. "Okay Ty I need you to swallow these for me" Josh holds out two small blue pills in the palm of his hand as Tyler leans against him, the young boys head still hadn't stopped swirling. The brunette takes them and swallows them without touching the water Josh had placed beside him. Josh scoops the young boy up into his arms and places him on the bed, he covers him and sits by his side and starts to run his hands through his hair. Josh couldn't deny it anymore, as he sat in the dimly lit room a sleeping Tyler by his side the feelings of love he felt were over whelming. He knew it was selfish and dangerous but there was no denying it, Josh was falling in love with him and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You So Much For Reading!!!!
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry I've been gone so long, I'm trying to upload more regularly I've just be super busy traveling recently.


	9. Addict With A Pen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler wants to take back control again, hes tired of his story being told for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I began writing this story in 1st person and I really enjoyed it, let me know which person you prefer and if you'd like me to go back to 3rd person,

Hello Friend,  
Its been so long since we last spoke and I fear that may be my fault. I've missed you i truly have, its time that I stopped hiding and talk to you like I once had, I don't want to be afraid anymore. I woke in a daze my memory of the night before was hazy, my whole body ached as I struggled to roll over. Laying fully clothed and fast asleep beside me was Josh. He looked so peaceful, I wanted nothing more but to close my eyes and go back to sleep beside him but it was rare that my head was this quiet so i had to sort out the life that i had left behind which meant finding Jenna. 

Her name alone seems to set off a chemical reaction in my body, although I cant remember her or the love we had supposedly shared, how could i just shut her out? She had waited so long to see me, the least I could do was face her. I just cant do it with Josh, I cant quite explain why I feel like this but bringing Josh to Jenna just seems wrong. Before I could face Jenna there was someone more important that I finally have to face alone.

Its sounds insane I know, especially after what happened the night before, please try to understand. When he attacks although he hurts me, he drains himself that's why he waits and strikes when he knows that my part of our brain, which is larger and more dominate is weak and run down, that way he can overpower me. Today when I face him it'll be on my terms not his. The medication that controls him has drained out of my system, the watery glaze I get from taking them disappears completely, now's my chance. I summon all my energy to pull myself out of the bed and walk over to the bathroom. I close the door gently, my hand hovers over the key as I try my hardest to focus. No drugs meant talking to Blurry, it also meant the hectic chaos of my brain would slowly start to return starting with hands. I am yet to understand why they move in such an inhuman manor but I fear that even if I did find out it'd make no difference. 

This all seems a lot easier with you here, it gives me something to focus on, how I wish you could reply to me friend and let me know that you're listening, I need you. Exhaling I turn the key and back away from the door, there was one thing I had avoided doing since I discovered that Blurry was more than just an imaginary friend. I walk over to the mirror above the sink and look myself in the eye, my shoulders are badly bruised, I touch the one on my right and wince at the pain. The pain is intense yet it ignites my anger, I couldn't let him do this to me any longer. "We need to talk, I'm sick and tired of you pushing me around this is my brain and my body not yours" I stare into the mirror and wait for him. "Dont be fucking stupid Tyler you're nothing without me" his voice is stronger and more powerful than I had anticipated, his words ring in my ears as I feel my body start to shake. WHat hAve you ddone TYler? My focus starts to fade, the only voice I can hear is his. " Haven't you worked it out by now? without me you have no one you're alone" the last word feels like a kick in the stomach. Taking a step back and away from the mirror my back hits the bathroom wall, instead of letting Blurry force me to the ground I allow myself to slide down the wall. "You've lost everyone Tyler, Your Mom, Your Dad, The girl that loved you even though you're a fucking waste of a life.

I pull my knees towards my chest and lock myself in place, Blurry is still threatening me and trying his hardest to corrupt the world around me, he wants me to crumble and break.   
He knows that if I do he can take full control and lock me out permanently. The longer it takes the more inpatient and desperate he gets, his voice is getting louder and I search for something, anything for me to hold onto. Even you cant help me friend "YOU'RE ALONE TYLER" he screams at me, a scream that invades my whole body, if I was standing he would have knocked me off of my feet. That's when it clicks, how could I not have worked it out "I HAVE JOSH ITS YOU, YOU'RE ALONE" I scream back and everything goes quiet. For the first time everything is still, the only thoughts in my head are my own, Id done it I'd silenced Blurry. I know dear friend that it wont last as long as I wish it would but for now just for a little while I'd have some peace all thanks to Joshua Dun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read the rambles from my brain.


	10. So... What Do You Look For In A Girl?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The more he thought about the more Tyler realized that Josh might know an awful lot about him but Tyler knew hardly anything about the boy that was slightly too beautiful, he didn't even know his middle name?

Josh's once vibrant red hair was slowly starting to fade to a strange blondish pink color and to say he wasn't a fan was an understatement, luckily Ryan - Brendon's boyfriend - was really good with hair and had agreed to come over and dye it today. Tyler had been in a good mood all morning, Josh had woke to an empty bed; Tyler's side was still warm so logically the older boy had conclude that Ty had already gotten up. Once the red hair had realized that the bathroom door was locked his heart sunk, he'd jumped up and gone straight into action mode, before he had even got to the door it was swung open and a smiling Tyler was stood quite contently on in his pajamas.

Tyler was convinced he would never remember the life he had once had, but the more time he spent with Josh the less he seemed to care about the man he once was. Instead he'd decided to focus on the man he could be now, he knew one thing though; that he'd have to leave his passed life behind him which meant his old friends and even Jenna. Sure, he could go back to his parents house and try to rebuild his relationship with her but he wasn't the guy she'd fallen in love with it just wouldn't be fair for either of them. The brunette had his eyes set on one person, the only person that could get into his head and bring him clarity when his entire world was in chaos, the issue he had was how well did he actually know the person his heart seemed so sure of? 

Josh knew everything about him (well who he was now) Tyler was pretty sure the older boy knew more about him than Tyler knew about himself. Yet the more Tyler thought about it the more he seemed to realize just how little he knew about Josh, what was his favorite song? Shoe size? what was he afraid of? he didn't even know his middle name, did Josh even have a nick name? Since the voices in his head had faded into white noise and  ~~Blurry~~ had gone completely silent these questions had swirled around in Tyler's head and brewing guilt in the pit of his stomach. The young boy was convinced that his body was determined to self destruct, if it wasn't one voice talking it was his own questions and thoughts zooming out of control.

Ryan had arrived just after lunch to do Josh's hair which both men had been very secretive about, all Tyler had been told was it was going to take a lot of work to go from the color Josh currently was back to a color he had once been. Brendon had been put on Tyler duty - which was essentially just watching over Tyler and keeping him company - which really wasn't necessary but apparently it made Josh feel better and less worried. "So Josh tells me that you can play the piano" "Yeah, that's one thing that hasn't left my head" the tone of sadness hits a nerve with Brendon, sure he didn't really know this boy but if he'd been away from the piano for that long he'd be upset as well. "You've known Josh a long time right?" the younger boy asks nervously "Yeah 8 years strong" he replies smiling sincerely, "I feel like for someone who knows me so well I hardly know him" Tyler comments opening up to Brendon. "Josh isn't really an open guy, he's more of a listener than a talker, i can tell you one thing I've never seen Josh care so much about anyone like he cares for you" Tyler's face flushes a light pink color which both boys are aware of but neither acknowledge. "So what does he look for in a girl?" "Their boyfriend" they both crack up laughing. They must have been louder than they'd realized as a confused looking Josh with dripping wet bleach blond hair appears in the door way "Whats going on?" "nothing bro just chillin" Brendon says smoothly as the blush that had started to subside on Tyler's face starts to return. Josh catches his eye and winks before disappearing into Salon De Ryan Ross.

"But what about that blonde girl you were talking about the other day?" The younger boy questions "Oh you heard that huh? Well Debby was Josh's last girlfriend they'd been together for awhile but" he stops himself looking uncomfortable. "But?" Tyler says urging him to continue. "Well in the end it was like they were bestfriends, Debby wanted more and at first Josh kinda just got on with it was so obvious how unhappy he was but Josh couldn't break her heart so eventually once she worked it out she ended it, blocked him on everything and moved away" Tyler sits stunned from a moment. "Do you think if I er" "100% without a doubt" Brendon adds cutting him off. "Right" Tyler replies shuffling in his seat, with a smirk on his face Brendon leaps out of his seat and heads into the bathroom. 

"But Bren i didnt even get to style it and that's my favorite part" Ryan complains as a still smirking Brendon pulls him out of the bathroom and then out off the flat. Taking a deep breath and summing any ounce of courage he could Tyler stands and heads over to the bathroom and stands silently in the doorway, Josh was stood shirtless running his hand through his freshly dyed blue curls. Even his back was stunning, how did that work? Tyler couldn't even look at himself in the mirror and Josh's back alone was a work of art. "Holy shit Ty don't do that you scared me" the older boy says turning and flashing him that heart warming smile, the steam from the room was making Tyler's hair frizz but he couldn't careless (he was pretty sure Josh found it cute) "Whats up Ty why are you so quiet? what did Bren say to you" Josh steps closer to him, the brunette was convinced that he could probably hear his heart thumping. They share a moment of intense eye contact and Josh seems to understand whats going on "Oh" escapes the blue haired boys lips quietly. Tyler runs his finger tips up Josh's right arm which was wet from the steam in the room. The two lean in slowly their lips meeting in a kiss full of love and care, a kiss that Josh had been waiting for from the moment he'd met Tyler Joseph.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so sorry for being gone for so long and not updating but juggling like 4 fics and A- Level essays isn't easy, i hope you enjoyed this chapter I had a lot of fun writing it


	11. You're not the only one who feels vulnerable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh was holding back, Tyler knew he was and the brunette didn't want that he wanted to get under Josh's skin and embrace every ounce of intimacy Joshua Dun had to give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long and over due first time
> 
> If you want the full affect play prove me wrong while reading. Start the song where you see the star/Astrix: *
> 
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5PKGGfQdulY

Josh always slept so soundly, happily dreaming unaware of the world of consciousness he'd left behind. Sometimes the night refused to grant Tyler the gift of sleep and on those nights he'd found laying beside Josh stopped the nightmares from forming in reality. Tonight there was a difference the way Josh held him felt safer, the way someone held the one they loved to protect them from harm. There were so many questions Tyler had, kissing Josh was electric but the older man had been holding himself back like he was afraid of breaking the brunette. He might not remember a lot but Tyler was almost certain the now blue haired man was the first guy he'd kissed, but he would have undoubtedly kissed Jenna right? One thing he wished he could remember was how far he'd gone, the brunette could feel himself blushing just thinking about it. Virginity was suppose to be such an important thing but if Tyler couldn't remember if he'd lost it or not then what? There's no way he'd be able to ask Josh not now, he could however ask the only guy Tyler knew who mentioned sex at every opportunity; Brendon. 

"That's quite a conundrum Tyler, have you thought about ringing Jenna and just asking?" Brendon asks not looking away from his computer. Tyler had snuck out of bed silently and let himself into the music studio, where Brendon spent the majority of his time working and smoking weed. "And say what? Oh hey Jen sorry about breaking your heart oh by the way I'm pretty sure I'm gay now but can't remember if I'd fucked you so tell me blondie did we do the do?" Tyler stares at Brendon's piano longingly as the older man laughs in shock at Tyler's sarcastic outburst. "Well, well you kiss a boy and suddenly we're Mr Confident?" Brendon asks smirking "worked for you didn't it" Tyler replies eyes still on the keyboard. "Wanna play?" The older man asks sincerely and Tyler nods slowly as Brendon moves out of the way.  
*  
"Josh" Brendon whispers loudly as he shakes him in an attempt to wake him up. "Oi drummer boy wake up" Josh slowly opens his eyes tired and confused "what time is it?" He asks groggily. "It doesn't matter just get up and go to the studio I think Tyler is singing about you" Brendon says with a hint of urgency. "Hurry up he's gonna finish" Josh scrabbles out of bed in his underwear and heads for the studio; he pushes the door open slowly and goosebumps run down his arms as he hears Tyler's sorrowful voice. 

Tyler's slender fingers dance along the keys without him even thinking, his voice was rough from the lack of use but it could be worse. It wasn't until he'd come to the end of the song that he noticed the shadow cast across the piano, turning he meets Josh's affectionate gaze. His deep brown eyes bringing the younger boy comfort as he shuffles awkwardly "how much of that did you hear?" He inquires quietly, "a little bit" Josh replies gently "was that about me?" Tyler nods looking down at the floor. "What's it called?" Josh sits cross legged in front of him patiently waiting for Tyler to relax, "prove me wrong" Tyler replies as his shoulders relax. He shuffles off the seat and sits opposite Josh, the older man doesn't say anything instead he gently caresses the side of Tyler's face. The younger boy breathes out shakily still looking at the floor as Josh moves closer the brunettes entire body tenses again. Realising the boys discomfort Josh moves back "it's okay Ty we won't do anything until you're comfortable" Josh says softly his voice full of understanding as Tyler shakes his head. "It's not that, it's just well I can't remember if Ive ever you know" his voice trails off as Josh's laughter fills the room. "What's so funny?" The younger boy asks crossing his arms with annoyance, "you're just so cute, I've never done anything with a man before you know, it's a first for the both of us" Tyler had done it again. Instead of actually paying attention he'd just let his brain trail off and obsess over himself, "oh right" "so we're going to work it out together, just remember you're not the only one who feels vulnerable" Josh whispers tenderly.

Josh had waited impatiently for Brendon to go out before going back into his bedroom. There was something just plain wrong about anyone else being in the house especially Bren when it came to this. Josh was already so conflicted, he was suppose to be Tyler's guardian and carer if his boss found out not only would Josh be out of a job, Tyler would be taken from him. Yet there he stood with only a closed door and a thin wall between himself and Tyler, as soon as he opens that door he'd be breaking every rule and agreement he had as Tyler's guardian.

He breathes out slowly, Tyler was the one Josh knew he was which made risking everything worth it. He slowly pushes the door open and finds Tyler sat cross legged on the bed playing a game on his phone, "hey" he looks up his deep brown eyes full of love. The tension between them was new and Josh wasn't sure how he felt about it, Tyler shuffles off the bed and walks over to the blue haired man. When he gets close enough he leans in and places a gentle kiss on Josh's neck "what was that for?" The older man asks "I guess I wanted to make sure you knew I was ready" Josh smiles gently at him as he slowly runs a hand up the brunettes bare arm. Once he reaches the younger boys shoulder he moves his hand to the back of Tyler's neck, leaning forward Josh pulls the boy toward him and they kiss. This time their kiss is less cautious, instead it is full of desire and wonder.

Tyler pulls away abruptly and Josh freezes "what's up Ty? We can stop if you feel uncomfortable" "No I was just wondering who was gonna be erm" his voice trails off as his face flushes with embarrassment. "The top?" Josh asks and Tyler nods "well I mean if you want to you can be" Tyler shakes his head blushing harshly. "We'll just have to experiment? I'll be the top for now and if it doesn't work we can swap next time, does that sound alright?" The older man asks pulling his shirt over his head. "Mhmm" the brunette sits quietly as his lower lip quivers, he had no clue what to expect all he knew was he'd never forget this moment and he never wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!!  
> I know I take a long time to upload this story but I just have to make sure I get everything perfect. 
> 
> Feel free to leave comments!! Talk to me i love talking to you guys


	12. vacant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was there,  
> Well his body was there but his mind was not.  
> His mind was a million miles away,  
> And he was desperate to find it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consent is super super super important kids and Joshua Dun understands it. 
> 
> !!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!
> 
> \- dissociation   
> \- medication   
> \- mental health struggles   
> If these things or things associated with these things trigger you please don’t not read

Tyler hated days like these, days where he became trapped in his own head, days where the world around him could be falling apart and he wouldn't realise. Not only was it confusing and lonely but he knew how much days like these scared Josh. The medication Tyler had been on had started having weird side effects and not working as effectively. So his doctors changed the medication completely and upped his dosage so he woke up every morning and had to take a cocktail of pills. Being heavily medicated had only made these days happen more frequently.  
To a point where Tyler knew Josh would have to report it back to the hospital since by law Josh was still his guardian. Today; today was one of those days although he wasn't great with empathy the brunette could sense the older mans concern but there was nothing he could do.

He wanted to be held close, he wanted the rest of the world to go away, he didn't want to take the medication anymore it made him numb. He wanted to feel something, whether it was arousal or pain didn't matter he just needed to feel. Sex with Josh was intense more intense than Tyler could ever explain but the medication made it almost impossible for the brunette to enjoy sex anymore and he'd only just started having it(well that he could recall) Rolling over Tyler nuzzles into his boyfriends side breathing in his familiar and comforting smell. The blue haired man was still sleeping soundly so it was probably pretty early, the brunette rolls back over and stares at the ceiling. 

"It's only when I'm awake I think about dying" he releases the thought out into the silent room, he's not sure what he expects in response but he gets nothing. He can't even go and play piano, his head feels too hollow with thoughts occasionally passing through in waves. Sunlight peers over the top of the curtains casting a beam across the part of the ceiling Tyler is staring at; seeing the sun, even when he was on the ward always brought him some kind of comfort that felt like a warmth exuding from his core that would radiate throughout his body. Even on days like these that warmth still managed to flow through him; exhaling slowly he turns over resting his forehead against Josh's torso. Shuffling a little Tyler lightly starts to trace patterns on Josh's stomach; being able to touch him like this, without thinking was something no matter his mood no matter how hollow he felt would always make him happy. "That tickles" Josh croaks, looking up Tyler gives the blue haired man a small smile "how long have you been awake?" Tyler shrugs honestly then goes back to tracing patterns on Josh. He feels the older man let out a sigh as he starts to run his fingers through Tyler's hair.

After a while the brunette accepts that Josh won't make a move; in one swift movement he throws his leg cross Josh and sits up so he finishes straddling the dazed looking man beneath him. Wide eyed Josh goes to speak but Tyler cuts him off by kissing him hard, pushing himself onto him desperate to be held. "If this is what you want I think we need to reposition" Josh whispers before he rolls them over, pushing Tyler's wrists above his head and holding them there. "I want to feel, Josh" the brunette whimpers as Josh sucks on his neck "then let me take care of you" he replies softly.

Midway through Josh hears a whimper, seeing the tears in Tyler's eyes he stops immediately and pulls out. "Ty, baby what's going on? Was I hurting you?" Wiping a tear with his thumb Tyler nuzzles his head into Josh's hand "of course not" he sobs tears still rolling down his face. "Let's stop for now okay? It's gonna be okay" Josh says softly hushing the fragile boy. Looking down at him Josh notices just howsmall the crying boy looks laying beneath him, this just wasn't right. Wiping the tears off of his face Josh replaces them with light kisses "I'm sorry I'll calm down in a second" Tyler mumbles smiling meekly as tears continue to flood his face, "Of course you will baby" Josh replies smiling gently.

Tyler couldn't remember how he had made it to the living room or how long he'd been sat there for. All he knew was that in front of him was a small paper cup the size of a shot glass with his medication in it and beside that was a glass of water. Across from him he catches Brendon's eye, he looks weird concerned maybe? which was rare when it came to the easy going brunette. "Dude it's probably better to have taken those before Josh gets out of the shower" Lifting the cup the younger boy pours the pills into the palm of his hand:  
\- Small blue ones (anti-depressant)  
\- The white ones (anti-psychotic)  
\- The red ones (???)  
One by one he swallows them with a gulp of water, when he's done he casts his eyes over to Brendon and is greeted with a look of is that... Err... relief? "I'm going to have to go back aren't I?" Tyler asks putting the empty glass down. He watches Brendon's facial expression change and they sit in silence for a moment, eventually the older man nods. "Not permanently but they think you need more support, more than Josh can handle alone" "I am a lot to handle,I'll go and pack" Tyler doesn't wait for a response he just stands and disappears. 

The next thing the brunette knew he was in Brendon's car with his head on Josh shoulder. They were pulling up to the hospital, it wasn't the one he'd stayed in last time. Instead his parents had paid for him to be transferred to one closer to their home. "I'll see you soon Ty, I'll be here to pick you up when you feel better" Brendon says turning in his seat, he was being strong for Josh. Tyler nods gratefully at him then squeezes Josh's hand as a sign that he was ready to go. They climb out and walk hand in hand all the way to reception, the brunette waits for Josh to let go once they're in the building. But he doesn't, he holds on tight leading his boyfriend to the front desk "Hello Sir how may I help you?" the blonde smiley receptionist asks "Hi, Tyler Joseph and Joshua Dun I believe you have a room waiting for us" turning from him she starts to click away on her keyboard. "Ah perfect, if you go down the corridor to the right then go up the staircase to the 2nd floor a member of our team will greet you and show you to your room" she replies gesturing to the right. Josh nods smiling then starts to lead Tyler right, once they're out of eyeshot he stops. "We're going to get through this together, are you ready?" Zoned out Tyler nods in reply. Josh didn't understand what was happening with Tyler, but if this was going to help him no matter how much he hated bringing him here Josh was going to have to grin and bear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, remember me?  
> Spacing Out is something that happens a lot to me and it felt kind of natural that it would happen to someone as medicated as Ty is. I love this story so much but just as it can be hard to read sometimes it’s hard to write as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks For Reading!


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